Today I'm missing my husband. I was trying to clear the loft and couldn't. I got irrationally angry with him for dying, for leaving us to sort things out. I know he didn't want to die but suddenly I'm angry that he did. I'm feeling tired today and with tiredness comes muddled emotions. My husband was the most loving, faithful, honest man alive. I so wish I could talk to him. I wish their was a phone in heaven, just to hear his voice, to hear him say 'it's all going to be ok, I love you'.
My youngest son is a bit of a handful, Paul was so patient with him and knew how to calm him down. He could get right inside his head and know exactly how to help him. Me, I'm a complete failure at that. Today has been a bad day I felt I didn't cope very well but then my son said 'I do love you Mum', and everything felt a little better.
I realise I'm blocking things, memories and feelings, in order to move forward. Is it letting go or blocking? I've been refusing to let myself remember things because I still cry. I think maybe I need to slow down and breathe and not be too hard on myself.
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