Flashbacks

Why can't I lift this mood?

I keep getting flashbacks.  First thing in the morning, during the day, last thing at night I remember Paul but the memories aren't all good.

The anger I feel at myself for not doing more, for not listening to him and just believing the doctors instead.
I'm beating myself up with the guilt and that makes the flashbacks worse.

This is when all commonsense goes out the window.  I'm hoping that by writing it down I can see it's actually all nonsense.  The doctors couldn't have stopped the cancer even if they'd seen it earlier.  It was very aggressive.

Paul knew I loved him, I have to hold on to that, dwelling on anything else is bad for everyone especially me.  The sense that I failed him must be put to rest because its too much for me.