Thanks for reading, but this is the end.
Friday, 1 March 2013
Friday, 22 February 2013
Half Term Holidays
I've found this a testing week, some good days and some really forgettable days. Tuesday was Paul's birthday and actually a wonderful day. The weather was just perfect, almost like summer, and we had the most wonderful family walk; it couldn't have been nicer. We didn't do anything special but remembered him in our way ending with a Macdonalds and McFlurry. The boys were happy.
Wednesday was a fun day out but yesterday I wish I'd just stayed in bed. I couldn't shift the sad mood I was in. I became the mother from hell! However the good thing is every day is a new day and today was good.
Wednesday was a fun day out but yesterday I wish I'd just stayed in bed. I couldn't shift the sad mood I was in. I became the mother from hell! However the good thing is every day is a new day and today was good.
Wednesday, 13 February 2013
Flashbacks
Why can't I lift this mood?
I keep getting flashbacks. First thing in the morning, during the day, last thing at night I remember Paul but the memories aren't all good.
The anger I feel at myself for not doing more, for not listening to him and just believing the doctors instead.
I'm beating myself up with the guilt and that makes the flashbacks worse.
This is when all commonsense goes out the window. I'm hoping that by writing it down I can see it's actually all nonsense. The doctors couldn't have stopped the cancer even if they'd seen it earlier. It was very aggressive.
Paul knew I loved him, I have to hold on to that, dwelling on anything else is bad for everyone especially me. The sense that I failed him must be put to rest because its too much for me.
I keep getting flashbacks. First thing in the morning, during the day, last thing at night I remember Paul but the memories aren't all good.
The anger I feel at myself for not doing more, for not listening to him and just believing the doctors instead.
I'm beating myself up with the guilt and that makes the flashbacks worse.
This is when all commonsense goes out the window. I'm hoping that by writing it down I can see it's actually all nonsense. The doctors couldn't have stopped the cancer even if they'd seen it earlier. It was very aggressive.
Paul knew I loved him, I have to hold on to that, dwelling on anything else is bad for everyone especially me. The sense that I failed him must be put to rest because its too much for me.
Saturday, 9 February 2013
Tuesday, 5 February 2013
Being Content
What is contentment? Is it just being resigned to your fate? Paul used to say, if you stop expecting much then you wont be disappointed when much doesnt come. Is that the answer? No, I don't believe that and I used to tell him he was wrong.
Contenment is accepting from God's hand what He sends, because we know that He is good, therefore it is good.
God doesn't make mistakes, everything He does has a purpose. It doesn't matter if we don't and can't see the purpose, trusting that God knows is enough. When we learn to accept that then we have contentment.
The more we choose contentment the more He sets us free, the more he sets us free, the more free we are to choose contentment. ( I read that last sentence somewhere, but can't remember where, but its stuck with me).
As a widow I'm learning contentment, not just in my physical and financial circumstances but in myself.
Contentment also means accepting yourself as you are, as God created you. I compare myself constantly and find myself always lacking in something. When you are on your own, when your fall guy has gone, self-confidence goes. That is when I have to start believing what God says and not what I say.
Contentment: knowing that God IS love and everything that He sends is because of love. It is trusting that God is there through the joy and the pain.
I can speak it, write it and now want to live it, but it's hard.
Contenment is accepting from God's hand what He sends, because we know that He is good, therefore it is good.
God doesn't make mistakes, everything He does has a purpose. It doesn't matter if we don't and can't see the purpose, trusting that God knows is enough. When we learn to accept that then we have contentment.
The more we choose contentment the more He sets us free, the more he sets us free, the more free we are to choose contentment. ( I read that last sentence somewhere, but can't remember where, but its stuck with me).
As a widow I'm learning contentment, not just in my physical and financial circumstances but in myself.
Contentment also means accepting yourself as you are, as God created you. I compare myself constantly and find myself always lacking in something. When you are on your own, when your fall guy has gone, self-confidence goes. That is when I have to start believing what God says and not what I say.
Contentment: knowing that God IS love and everything that He sends is because of love. It is trusting that God is there through the joy and the pain.
I can speak it, write it and now want to live it, but it's hard.
Friday, 1 February 2013
Star Wars
I'm trying to write but am constantly being interrupted by my youngest son. It's hard to write anything profound with Star Wars lego ships being thrust in my face and having to hunt for a clone fighter pilot which has suddenly gone missing!
My son is obsessed with lego and Star Wars so the combination of the two is a powerful force that no-one can stand against. Due to my sons obsession I can now name and identify the Clone captains and commanders. I also know that General Palpatine, who is head of the Republic, is also Darth Sidious, who is the meanest of all the Sith and actually contols Darth Vader but the Republic doesn't know it. He is super evil. What an expert I've become!
My son is obsessed with lego and Star Wars so the combination of the two is a powerful force that no-one can stand against. Due to my sons obsession I can now name and identify the Clone captains and commanders. I also know that General Palpatine, who is head of the Republic, is also Darth Sidious, who is the meanest of all the Sith and actually contols Darth Vader but the Republic doesn't know it. He is super evil. What an expert I've become!
This is Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker battling it out!
As an ending to my Star Wars post I could say 'May the Force be with you!' but I won't instead I'll say 'May God be with you, and His love keep you'. Be blessed.
Monday, 28 January 2013
Birthdays
February 19th was Paul's birthday. This year is the 2nd birthday since he died. We didn't do anything special to mark it last year, I know some people do but I don't see the point of celebrating his birthday without him. I know where he is, so why send off balloons, they don't go to heaven. I can't put flowers on his grave as there isn't one. He wanted his ashes scattered, everyone gathering around a gravestone was the last thing he would have wanted.
It's still a few weeks to go, but I received a hospital letter today for my son giving him an appointment on Tuesday 19th February. Is it wrong to say I intend NOT to be miserable? I miss Paul every day but don't want to go around with a miserable face. It's half term and the boys and I will celebrate us and life and will remember Paul with love not sadness. Actually I'm going to cancel the appointment and I suggest a day out. Paul is inside me, in a deep place that is safe and whatever the day is, I love him.
It's still a few weeks to go, but I received a hospital letter today for my son giving him an appointment on Tuesday 19th February. Is it wrong to say I intend NOT to be miserable? I miss Paul every day but don't want to go around with a miserable face. It's half term and the boys and I will celebrate us and life and will remember Paul with love not sadness. Actually I'm going to cancel the appointment and I suggest a day out. Paul is inside me, in a deep place that is safe and whatever the day is, I love him.
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