If my life was charted out on a timeline there would be a big split marked as B.P.D (Before Paul Died) and A.P.D (After Paul Died). That's how I think now, although my brain quite often slips up and I get confused.
The line is quite clear so why does it merge? Paul alive has gone, all that's left are Paul memories. My brain can't always comprehend that. B.P.D slips into A.P.D and A.P.D slips into B.P.D.
The muddley thought that I'm wrestling with is there are parts of my life that I like better now than B.P.D. Paul never knew me in my new job; I've found I'm far more capable than I ever thought possible and I like that, if he had been alive I would have continued in my old job without any satisfaction. I have a closer relationship with my children as my priorites have changed, I am more transparent with them. At home I have to get on with things as there is no-one else to do them for me. That can be very empowering and I often pat myself on the back.
But I miss the love we had, I miss the friendship. I miss the morning cup of tea, I miss his silly jokes, I miss the radio always being tuned to Radio 5, I miss the 'Did you know...?', I miss his calmness and patience, I miss him on the beach, I miss stargazing with him. I don't like my boys having to live without a Dad. I don't like the sadness this has caused them. But there is nothing I can do.
A.P.D means there'll be new memories that we have without Paul and even with my complicated brain I guess I'll get used to that.
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