Only Hippos Wallow!

December has been quite an emotional ride for me.  I've lost focus and gone into victim self-pitying mode.
It was my birthday earlier in the month which affected me and also the run up to Christmas I've found overwhelming.

However I realise that this is all part of Life's Journey.  We can't change it; moaning and feeling sorry for myself won't make a blind bit of difference except to make me feel even worse.  That being said I shouldn't ignore grief or deny it, but grief is different from self-pity.  I have been wallowing in a pit of self-pity recently and not letting things go, but its only hippos who wallow.

I am learning that God allows things to happen for a reason.  We may never know the reason or may just scratch the surface of His plan, but submitting to it is something we can do.  Because God wants to enable us to rely totally on Him, to hear His voice and go to Him for everything.

I'm ashamed of the way I've behaved recently, I haven't been gloryfying God, I've been miserable and haven't shown how God's grace fills me.  I've cried on everyones shoulder because I want them to know how hard it is and that I'm a Widow (note the importance of the capital W) and that I have young children without a Dad at Christmas.  I don't want people to forget what happened just because time is moving on.
I'm ashamed and repent.  For Jesus is with me, God's grace does sustain me and I want to be a witness to this.  I need to die to self, to stop believing I have a heavy burden and do things in my own strength but instead be led by the Holy Spirit and show God in all I do.

God promised me JOY after Paul died. It is there for the taking, but I have to let go of what I'm carrying to reach and accept the love and joy He has for me.
So here goes.....